Consensual Non-Monogamy Guidelines for Couples
Photo by Jahanzeb Ahsan on Unsplash
Opening Your Relationship
Have you been considering opening your relationship?! Has your partner expressed interest or curiosity about including other people in your relationship?! Maybe it is something you are open to, but don’t have a clue of where to start or how to make it all work. Here are guidelines for couples to help navigate the world of consensual non-monogamy.
What is Consensual Non-Monogamy?
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an all encompassing term for relationships in which all partners are in agreement, or have provided consent, to have multiple sexual, intimate, or romantic partners. This can include swinging or polyamory. Swinging is a social or recreational way for couples, or singles, to engage in sexual activities with others. Polyamory is the practice of loving multiple people.
CNM Guidelines for Couples
It is important to set up and agree on guidelines before there is a specific person/people in mind, as this helps avoid bias.
Ground Rules:
Time: Clarify and agree how to prioritize time. If there is a conflict of activities/plans, what is the priority? Identify in advance if family time, primary relationship, or new partner are the priority.
Pool of People. Clarify if any groups are off limits (i.e. friends, acquaintances, social circles, other parents from your kids’ school, etc).
Exchange of money/gifts. Determine the max dollar amount when giving gifts, determine max dollar amount when receiving gifts.
Safety/Protection (i.e. condoms).
Safety. Location/knowledge of whereabouts shared (i.e. share in advance, or allow location sharing on device).
Age limits. Discuss if there are any age limits for engagement. (i.e. older than 30, younger than 70).
Follow-through on commitments. Come home at agreed upon time, or call/text.
Limits on location of meetings. Determine in advance if any locations are off-limits. Are meetings/gatherings in the home ok? At place of employment? Business trips? Marital bed?
Answer the phone when the primary partner is calling, don't ignore/send to voicemail.
Keep the family unit safe. Consider sharing first name only, don’t share home address, don’t share name of workplace, names of kids, or kids’ school.
Discuss what constitutes grounds for ending relationships with others.
Inform new partners of intention with clarity. State the intention is to stay married (or in primary relationship), be explicit that there is no interest in ending marriage/relationship. Dating partners may agree at first, but desires can change and having your intention clearly stated from the start can help navigating situations that can turn tricky.
Identify a plan in advance for how to handle situations when someone asks to meet your kids. It is important to determine this in advance before the dating partner has a face, which can lead to bending of rules.
When it comes to falling in love, it is natural to want our dating parents to know all parts of us, which can include meeting kids. Discuss if this is allowable in advance.
Anything that threatens mutual satisfaction of this new arrangement, needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
In Summary
Consensual non-monogamy is an experience of freedom. With freedom comes responsibility. Individuals may feel a sense of responsibility to their relationship, to their partner, maybe even to the family unit. The process of balancing this sense of responsibility while also honoring the desire for personal freedom can be sensitive. As couples navigate this delicate balance, have clear intentions for why you are proceeding and rely on clear guidelines to support you along the way.
Sources:
https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com
Book: Polyamory: A clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients). By Martha Kauppi
